6 Ways to Know You’re Living Out an Egalitarian Marriage.

In 2015, a few months before my wedding, I wrote a blog for the Junia Project titled, 6 Things Egalitarian Marriage is Not. At that point, I had only a theological and biblical understanding of egalitarian marriage. Today, Ryan and I are just just shy of our 2 year anniversary, and I’ve got some egalitarian newlywed experience to offer as a sequel.

Two different, individual people coming together to live as one flesh, come to find, is a process! It’s all too easy to live in the world of “me, myself, and I” when it comes to feelings, thoughts, opinions, and decisions. I continue to learn what it means to be “us”, and that what I do always has a direct effect on my husband.

With that said, these are the relational dynamics that I’ve found to reveal whether or not an egalitarian marriage is underway:

You have Yeshua (real name of Jesus) as the head.

One of the major differences between egalitarian and complementarian marriage is the concept of “headship”. I have heard my complementarian friends say that, ultimately, the man is the head, and that he needs to make the final decision when necessary. Additionally, many of these friends express concern for upholding biblical authority within the marriage.

Well, rest assured. In an egalitarian marriage, there’s both headship and authority: Jesus. That doesn’t mean, however, that neither of us ever desire to step into the role of “God” from time to time. (Just me?) Before we were married, Jesus was Lord, the one we gave our lives to follow. Now that we’re married, Jesus is Lord, the one we’ve given our lives to follow. The difference now is that we get to figure out what following him looks like together!

You decide together.

This one goes hand in hand with having Jesus as the head. In an egalitarian marriage, Jesus leads both spouses into a unified decision. Neither person has more potential to hear God’s guidance better than the other based on their gender. God speaks to everyone, providing an unending opportunity for both spouses to seek and hear him. Whatever the circumstance, if a couple does not collaborate on a decision, it can create a rift in their relationship that widens over time. A decision made because both people feel God wants them to do something has power. What we decide, whether individually or together, affects who we become and where our marriage goes!

We have found Tim and Anne Evans’ book, Together: Reclaiming Co-Leadership in Marriage to be a helpful, practical resource for praying and hearing God together. They talk about the importance of not merely taking turns on who gets to decide, but rather, having the intention and patience to come to decisions together. Their method has helped us be more intentional in seeking God’s guidance.

You submit.

Wait. Aren’t egalitarians against submission? Well, if Jesus is the head, then no, we aren’t against submission. In fact, we are for submission in marriage. Ephesians 5 (the infamously debated marriage passage) talks specifically about submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (v. 21). We wouldn’t be very good egalitarians if we didn’t submit to each other, now would we?

What does that look like? I think both complementarians and egalitarians can agree, when it comes to submitting to Jesus, we’re loved and cared for. Choosing to obey Jesus leads to life. Similarly, in marriage, Ryan tells me to wear a helmet when I ride my bike to work (safety first!), or I tell him to rest and drink bone broth when he’s feeling ill. We don’t have to submit to these things, but we do because we know the other is looking out for our best interests and has wisdom behind their suggestion.

You grow together.

Learning to become one with each other and God has been, hands down, the most rewarding and fulfilling part of the last two years. (We’re planning to live to be over 100, so there are many years to look forward to!) It is exciting that we are on an eternal journey of transformation, of becoming like Christ. This incredible adventure requires growing together.

In an egalitarian marriage, neither spouse needs to be more spiritually mature or strong than the other in order to lead or submit. It is an equal playing field for growth as followers of Jesus. In Jesus’ explanations of the Kingdom of God, he uses agricultural metaphors like seeds (Matt 13, Luke 13), fruit (Matt 7, Mark 4), wheat (John 12), and a vineyard (John 15). All of these describe a process of growth that occurs when Jesus is the source of life. Growing individually and as a couple is a significant indicator that Jesus is the head of the marriage!

You dream together.

Bottom line, Jesus is the ultimate dream, the vision. When we give our lives to him, he becomes our lens and our focus. For us, motivation and direction for growing as a couple has largely come from dreaming together about what our life might look like in Jesus. The vision we have for ourselves (or lack of it) influences our daily choices, and our daily choices determine where we end up. Without intentionality in either a shared vision or daily choices, a couple is reduced to two individuals.

Hebrews 12:2 talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus, the perfecter of our faith, who kept his focus on the joy set before him amidst his suffering. Life happens and challenges come, but a couple that dreams together, stays together. In an egalitarian marriage, that dream is both sought together and fought for together with shared responsibility.

You respect each other.

I know, I know, respect is for the man and love is for the woman. However, there is truth in Aretha’s famous song (R-E-S-P-E-C-T!). But we don’t have to take her word for it. Let’s look at Ephesians 5 again. Paul is telling the men in this community of Ephesus to love their wives as they would love their own body (v.28). This was a radical concept for this culture! Women were not loved or respected. They were maybe a class above livestock. Maybe. Fortunately, egalitarian marriage goes beyond cultural norms.

Ephesians 5 encourages men, who have cultural power, to elevate women, who have no power, to a place of equal standing as fellow members of Christ’s body (v. 30). A big reason why our society still struggles to view women as equal, capable partners in the world (or the church for that matter), is because they are not fully respected in marriage.

A fundamental aspect of egalitarian marriage is having a deep respect for who each other is and what each other can do.

Yes, men can take care of the kids. Yes, women can be the primary financial provider for the family. But traditional roles don’t have to be switched to be egalitarian. Rather, how roles are determined comes out of respect and is based on who the spouse is in Christ, not their gender.

At the end of the day, egalitarian marriage is not defined by roles, it’s revealed by a couple’s unified pursuit of Jesus, their Lord and Savior, the only head of the Body of Christ… (By Robin Rhine McDonald).

http://juniaproject.com/6-ways-to-know-if-youre-already-living-out-an-egalitarian-marriage/

The rejected flight attendant who started her own aviation company.

 Story highlights.

• SRS Aviation is South Africa's first all-female jet company

• Founder Sibongile Sambo did not meet height requirements to be a flight attendant

• She has now helped three women become pilots -- and plans to support more

 (CNN)For one South African businesswoman, getting more female pilots into the skies is not just her work, it's her passion.

 Sibongile Sambo wanted to be a flight attendant with South African Airways, but she did not meet the minimum height requirement to become one.

 So she decided to star her own business, and had to sell her car and use her mother's pension money to set it up.

 Today, she is the founder of SRS Aviation, Africa's first female aviation company.

 In 2004, Sambo was commissioned with her first flight for the South African government.

SRS Aviation founder Sibongile Sambo.

 Since then, SRS Aviation has grown to provide personalized services including helicopter, tourist and luxury flights to destinations spanning the globe. The Johannesburg-based crew have flown as far as the U.S. and Germany.

 "It could be a tourist charter for $1,000 or could be a head of state traveling on a VIP aircraft to the United States, which could be about $200,000," said the entrepreneur.

Breaking into a male dominated industry.

 The business may be high-flying now, but it has seen more turbulent days. For Sambo, breaking into this male-dominated industry and "getting to learn the language" proved challenging.

 Despite the difficulties, SRS Aviation received an Air Operating Certificate by the South African Civil Aviation Authority (CAA), allowing it to operate commercial flying activities, and has helped three women get their private pilot licenses. They are now employed full-time.

SRS Aviation has helped three women get their pilots license.

 The company has also partnered with MCC Aviation, an established player in the South African aviation business. The deal gives Sambo access to a fleet of aircraft, as well as technical and operational support.

 "I'm where I am today because somebody invested in me," she says. "It's my opportunity now to invest in other people."

Making strides in Africa.

 Last year, Ethiopia Airlines dispatched its first flight run by an entirely female crew in a bid to encourage more African women into aviation. Sambo wants more South African women to join the effort and make it big as jet pilots.

 Sambo plans to expand SRS Aviation's helicopter services across Africa

 Current growth plans for her company include expanding SRS Aviation helicopter services and its operations across the African continent.

 "What I'm proud of about our company is that we have managed to penetrate the male dominated industry," she adds. "Aviation is growing in Africa. We are going to grow with the growth in Africa." (By Amir Daftari and Heenali).

 http://edition.cnn.com/2016/02/03/africa/sibongile-sambo-srs-aviation-feat/index.html?sr=fbCNN020316sibongile-sambo-srs-aviation-feat0146PMStoryLink&linkId=20928943 

3 Rules for Men to Follow to Avoid Getting Trapped by Women Who Date for Dinner.

 Dating, as a middle-aged guy in Manhattan, has been an adventure. What I have discovered is that while I was going on first dates in the hopes of having a second date and maybe even finding a relationship, some women were dating for sport – the sport of getting a nice dinner paid for. All they had to do was manipulate the date logistics in a way that suckered me into buying them dinner and they have achieved their goal. You know the saying, nice guys finish last or in this case, $100 dollars plus or minus poorer, with little to show for it.

Now before all of you ladies start sending me (more) hate mail, I am not saying that all or even most women do this. But some do, and most men who have significant dating experience have encountered this situation. Some women even admit they do it like Rose Clifford, who was featured in a recent NY Post Article. And for those of you who think otherwise, it seems that most women still expect the man to pay for the first date. And essentially every man and woman I have spoken to about this, agrees with that.

 Here are three recent dates I had that illustrate how easy it is to get caught in the pay-for-dinner play:

 Date #1: When I spoke with her on the phone I wasn’t sure we were compatible but I figured how could a quick meet on a late Wednesday afternoon hurt? I suggested that we meet at a nice bar I knew near her. She said, “I really like the W Hotel. I really like the lounge in there.”

 We meet at “The Living Room” in the W Hotel at 5pm and sat down on one of the couches and ordered drinks. About 10 minutes in, she said she hadn’t eaten much for lunch asked to see the menu. And then proceeded to order two “small” appetizers to go with her second drink. The date ended an hour later when she said she had to get home because her babysitter had to leave. There was no offer on her part to even split the bill. I paid the $80 bill and never saw her again. I felt like a schmuck.

 Date #2: About a month later and a bit wiser (so I thought) I made plans with a woman who lived across the Hudson River in Jersey City to meet me at by the 9/11 Memorial at 4:30pm. She had told me on our initial phone call that she had never seen it and since I knew several nice places to hang out within a block, I suggested a quick tour of the memorial and we could grab a drink.

 At 4:20pm, as I was walking to meet her, she sent me a text saying she was sorry but was delayed and was right now walking out her door. There were two more texts that followed with excuses for more delays. She showed up at 6pm, 90 minutes after our scheduled meeting time.

 She was very apologetic, gave me a big hug and said it was unusual for her to be so late and she would make it up to me. I believed her. We toured the 9/11 Memorial for about 15 minutes and then I pointed to a bar within eyesight and said let’s go have a drink. She informed me that at this point she was hungry and would get sick if she drank on an empty stomach and needed dinner first. Three hours later we ended the dinner date with me $125 poorer. There was no offer on her part to even split the bill. There was no second date, despite her reaching out to me again.

 Date #3:  I recently matched with a very attractive woman on a picture-based dating app. We had a nice first call and I suggested we meet Saturday, 3pm for coffee. She said had errands to run and asked if we could push back the time to 4pm. I agreed, but that got me thinking. So, I went back and looked at her dating profile and this is what it said:

 “Single, no kids, fun, sweet, upscale, business-savvy, selective… Enjoys fine dining in Manhattan and…. That last phrase poked me right in the eye. But maybe I was being paranoid?

 Saturday came and I was just about to head to our date when I got the text I somehow knew I was going to get: “Sorry, I’m running a little behind, can we meet at 5:30pm?” I waited a few minutes to think about things, even considering that I might be judging her unfairly, and even if she wasn’t trying to sucker me into a free meal, moving a first date and hour and half later, 45 minutes before the date, is just unacceptable. So, I told her I had plans and her coming at 5:30pm would make our time together too short. I felt like I had finally manned-up.

 These three date experiences along with a bunch of others has lead me to suggest these three rules for men trying to avoid getting suckered into paying for a meal they never intended to:

1. You Pick the Place: If you are paying, you pick the venue for the date. You should know in advance what you are potentially paying for. If she insists on changing the place make sure you know it well and it’s acceptable to you. If it’s not, hold firm and if she doesn’t agree, pass on her.

1. Late for a First Date is Unacceptable: I’d say follow the 30-minute rule. If she can’t get there within 30 minutes of the scheduled time cancel the date. And don’t get fooled by late creep – where she says I’m running late multiple times before the same date. Even if she’s not being late to get a free meal, she’s disrespected you and that’s not a way to start any relationship you want to be in.

1. Look for Warning Signs: Listen carefully to what she says or what she has written in her dating profile. If she says she likes fine dining, great wine or frequent travel, you should believe her. She very well may intend on getting you to indulge her in those things. My dating profile talks about what I have to offer women. Her profile shouldn’t talk about what she wants, it should also talk about what she has to offer.

 Have you had a similar experience on dates? If yes, did you end up paying for dinner or not?

 https://msweetwood.com/2017/05/05/3-rules-for-men-to-follow-to-avoid-getting-trapped-by-women-who-date-for-dinner/