“I never imagined that I would find love so far away from my home”.

(Laura, 32).

“Finland is quiet and sometimes it gets too much. That’s why I occasionally need to go abroad and get the noise of a big city, then come back. I like to have both sides. Mexico City is one of the biggest cities in the world, lots of traffic and the noise of people. They are complete opposites. I lived there all my life, until I was 30. I miss the sun, nice weather, food and people. People in the sense that I can kiss and hug them, have contact.

“They are teaching me Finnish, but I speak English to them. My favourite word is “noniin””

I become Finnish when I’m here. I keep my distance and I never touch anyone. I become another person. I also try not to speak too much and not to laugh loudly. It’s hard. I feel like some Finns find the laughing annoying, but I don’t want to annoy people so I just try and moderate my laughter. I feel like I need to ask “is it okay to laugh now?”

I think it’s a human need to have contact with people. I miss that. I have persuaded some Finnish friends to learn salsa. With music, when you are dancing and listening you are moving with your body and you get relaxed. When you dance as a couple you need to learn to touch somebody.

I met Otto, my boyfriend, in Tampere. I never imagined that I would find love so far away from my home country. We were 18 people in my Erasmus Mundus Master’s programme, representing 15 different countries; Finland not included. That was an amazing intercultural experience. But we all experienced culture shock and we didn’t know how to integrate into Finnish culture. Still, many Finns approached me and I made some friends.

“It gets harder to be in touch with people back home as the times goes on”

Finnish men are more sincere and more respectful. I think that that’s what made the difference. They are shy but eager. Quite different to Latin guys. Otto approached as a regular guy. I didn’t imagine he wanted to have something else with me. It was very neutral and he never tried to touch me. Latin guys they don’t care. They just go and approach and they try to have much more contact. I really appreciated it, it made me fall in love. This respect for distance was unique.

I have had the opportunity to meet his family and they are really nice. Otto’s parents are curious and want to learn about Mexico. We have spent Christmas together. It makes it really special because I know that Finns don’t open their door to just anybody, to strangers. They make me feel very welcome and I feel like I have a second home in Finland. We go to visit my boyfriend’s family quite often. There is a nice lake near by and going to the sauna is magical. They are teaching me Finnish, but I speak English to them. My favourite word is “noniin”.

My parents haven’t visited me here. I hope to bring my mum here next summer. She never asked why I stayed, I think she doesn’t want to get that deep into my reasons. I think it might hurt sometimes that I’m so far away. In Mexico, in Latin cultures, the families are quite close and they will be together until the end. She was okay when I said I’m staying in Finland, but I could feel she was upset. So I don’t want to talk about that with her. I told her I’m fine and feel safe, I’m with Otto, it’s amazing and I have a job. She never asked but I felt that I had to justify it somehow.

“I love the peaceful moments in the nature and walking in the forest. Here people focus on their own lives. I can do whatever I want and no one is looking”

It gets harder to be in touch with people back home as the times goes on. My group of friends is getting smaller. But we chat, that’s our main way of communicating. Sometimes Skype. I go there every year and I notice that I can see fewer people. They are doing other things and it’s not the same. We share life experiences and I tell them about my life here, struggles, what I’m doing and so on. My friends have not visited. They are busy working and in Mexico it’s hard to get good holidays. You get maybe 2-3 weeks per year. So they can’t travel too much. I could go back and work there, but maybe not for a long time. I couldn’t stand the traffic for a long time.

I like being in nature and standing by a lake. That was one of the reasons to stay here. I just like sitting there to observe, meditate and breathe clean air. I love the peaceful moments in the nature and walking in the forest. Here people focus on their own lives. I can do whatever I want and no one is looking.

For me it’s important to meditate, especially during the dark times of year. I have to do maybe forty minutes to one hour a day. Maybe not every day, but four times a week. That helps me a lot. At some point I felt like I was going crazy and I thought it’s the lack of sun. Meditation is breathing and listening to some audio. Dancing, also, because I know some moving meditation. I do it early in the morning. I just forget everything. I put in my earphones and the audio and then I just start to relax and breathe. When you are stressed you feel the pressure on your heart and chest. I felt like I could not breath. I learned the techniques in Mexico before moving and it has helped me to manage the culture shock. I’m out of my comfort zone here, but after meditation my breathing is better and I can work easily.

My introduction to my current job at TalentAdore was on the first day of Startup Sauna, a famous accelerator programme for growth companies. I felt privileged. I didn’t know what to expect. Everybody – my friends and boyfriend – were like, “wooow, you are going to meet the best entrepreneurs in Finland.” I met some of my new colleagues for the first time there and I just dived straight in without a hesitation.”

https://finlandmyhome.com/2017/09/16/laura/

The pursuit of loneliness: how I chose a life of solitude.

Hayley Campbell quit her job and moved into an empty flat. Here she explains the tough but peculiar pleasures of seclusion.

A room of one’s own: Hayley Campbell finding some headspace at the gym. Photograph: Sam Barker for the Observer.

Since the late 1980s, scientists have been tracking a whale who sings at a sonic frequency higher than any other whale of its species: at 52 hertz, just above the lowest note on a tuba. It sings songs no one answers. Internet societies have been following it for years like sad Ahabs, transposing their own feelings on to it, believing they understand it. Alone in their bedrooms they hunt this whale they believe to be lonely just like them. Talk to scientists and they will say other whales can probably hear it, maybe it’s deaf, maybe the whale’s song is the result of a genetic mutation. But it doesn’t matter: the lonely people have taken this whale as their totem. I’ve followed it for years.

In 2015, I tried psychodynamic therapy for what my therapist called “a loss thing”. Months prior, my grandparents collapsed on their bedroom floor and died in hospital, days apart, from the same case of pneumonia. The upshot was that birthdays make me miserable and trailing their twin coffins into the crematorium on my 29th birthday didn’t feel wildly out of sync with my mood. What followed this – one of the rawest experiences of my life but also one of the best attended birthday parties – was pulling the plug on a relationship that had been comatose for years, divvying up not only books but friends, plus the death of a Labrador I got when I was 12. It felt like the things that kept me tied to my youth – a blind dog, the unchanging 1970s blue bathroom in my grandparents’ house, nearly all of my 20s – were disconnecting their carabiners and pushing me out into space. A loss thing.

Only 11% of lonely people try to solve their loneliness: finding God, joining laughter yoga, scouring the internet

Once you start losing a few things, it’s easier to lose the rest so you can be left alone to think. I left the chaotic house in Hackney that I shared with four guys and their various women and moved into a flat on a street filled with old people and expensive cars. I’m house sitting, so I put my stuff in storage and am living out of a suitcase and a bit of floor – a permanent state of transience. I quit my job in a busy open-plan newsroom to go freelance and pulled up the final anchor of a 9-to-5. I reduced my daily human interaction, piece by piece, to nil.

I have no schedule, no dependants but a cat. I go to the cinema when there’s no one there except occasionally one old man. I watch the credits until the end because there’s no one putting their jacket on to suggest we should go (like me, the old guy has nowhere to be). When I leave the sun is still out, the streets are empty. At night, in hotel rooms around the world, there are writers avoiding deadlines while serving as lifelines for others avoiding theirs: a population of people who have jetlagged themselves over work, who are adrift from their own time zone and friends. We send each other pictures of coffee machines and digital clocks reading 3.12am – flares into the sky. I have engineered a life in which I exist in a rare London with no one in it except for the unemployed, the drunk and the lonely.

Feeling blue: scientists – and lonely people – have been tracking a single blue whale who sings, unanswered, at a frequency other whales can’t hear. Photograph: Sciepro/Getty Images/Science Photo Library RF

It requires a mental strength to be alone even if it’s what you want, to believe you’re not going to disappear or that people would notice if you did. It takes a physical strength not to text the guy you had sex with once to get him to come over, the one who says when he arrives at midnight: “Which one are you again? Are you the journalist?” and you say yes, you were that one, would you like a drink.

In 2014 the Office for National Statistics voted Britain the loneliness capital of Europe and now we’re just a lonely island filled with people getting lonelier, or so 48% of us think. Only 11% of lonely people try to solve their loneliness: finding God, joining laughter yoga, scouring the internet for cures and whales.

Loneliness is a darker thing than just being alone. It’s a stillness that gives you a preview of death

The statistics tell us there’s a “loneliness epidemic”. With an epidemic comes the search for a cure, but loneliness is so much bigger than a cure. You can be lonely in a crowd, a bed can feel emptier with the wrong person in it, and a knitting circle will not fix you. Loneliness is internal and fundamentally existential. Ernest Becker wrote in The Denial of Death that the only thing keeping humans functioning on a daily basis is their fear of death, that if we were to confront our own oblivion we would be frozen to the spot. I think this is why loneliness is a darker thing than just being alone. It’s a stillness that gives you a preview of death; it’s seeing the world carry on just fine without you in it.

You can talk for hundreds of hours in therapy about your fear of death and loneliness, and get nowhere. Therapy is looking inwards where all there is is you, and when you’ve got endless quiet hours to search your soul it can feel pointless inviting someone else to watch you do it. The deepest conversations I’ve had were not with my therapist, but with my boxing trainer. Slumped and sweating in the corner of a boxing ring, you’re too tired to prop up the walls you’ve built to surround yourself and you’ll say anything. It’s like drinking in airport bars with strangers you will never see again. So I quit the therapy. I started spending more time in that room that smells like iron and sweat, and blood and leather.

Six days a week, I take myself to the gym like someone else would take their deranged dog for a walk. For two hours I lift weights, punch bags and cycle until I look like I’ve been dunked in an ocean. At night the place is full of couples training in new Nikes and matching leggings, working toward some goal they have agreed on together; by day it’s people training solo, the place silent but for the piped-in music and the sound of glove hitting bag. In the weird hours I keep, the room is dotted with people sitting mutely on weights benches, staring out of windows or down at phones, silently waiting out the break between sets, resting their muscles as they build them.

Scientists think the lonely whale is a blue whale, one of the strongest animals on earth because of the sheer amount of muscle it needs to keep moving.

There’s an out of work actor who trains for seven hours every day. As each hour passes he changes his sopping shirt for a new one. You can tell how long he’s been there by how many are piled by his feet. He spends those hours on the treadmill, in the weights room, in any group exercise class they’ve got on at the time – in zumba, body pump, prenatal yoga – killing time, sweating through shirts, trying to forget himself. Sometimes we talk, but it doesn’t make a difference. Loneliness is all in your head, but muscle keeps you moving.

Since you’re here …

… We have a small favour to ask. More people are reading the Guardian than ever but advertising revenues across the media are falling fast. And unlike many news organisations, we haven’t put up a paywall – we want to keep our journalism as open as we can. So you can see why we need to ask for your help. The Guardian’s independent, investigative journalism takes a lot of time, money and hard work to produce. But we do it because we believe our perspective matters – because it might well be your perspective, too.

I appreciate there not being a paywall: it is more democratic for the media to be available for all and not a commodity to be purchased by a few. I’m happy to make a contribution so others with less means still have access to information.

https://www.theguardian.com/global/2017/sep/17/choosing-to-be-on-your-own?utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=GU+Today+main+NEW+H+categories&utm_term=244052&subid=19413045&CMP=EMCNEWEML6619I2

How to make a multilingual relationship work: 6 tips.

We all know there’s a ‘language of love’ – but what happens when love is spoken in different languages? Or, more precisely, what happens when two people speaking different languages communicate in a third language – English? Well, the relationship gets more interesting for sure, but it can also get more challenging. We talked to a bunch of people at the EF office who live in multilingual relationships and asked them how they made it work – these six tips are what they highlighted.

1. Communicate.

Yes, really. You’ve heard it before, but it’s true – communication is important, and especially in relationships where English is not the first language. After all, misunderstandings can arise quickly (see point 2), and being able to discuss them openly is crucial. The language barrier can also mean that grievances are left undiscussed, since arguing in a foreign language can just be too tiring. Make the extra effort and openly discuss any problems you may have, so things don’t get too complicated down the line.

2. Laugh.

Whether you’re both learning English or both have a good grasp of the language, misunderstandings can happen. And mix-ups can happen quickly – just think of words like embarazada in Spanishand embarrassed in English. These two words look and sound the same, and probably mean the same thing, right? Wrong. These two words mean wildly different things – one means ‘embarrassed’, but embarazada actually means ‘pregnant’. And the mix-up is pretty common (really)! The trick is to accept that misunderstandings will happen, and to be able to laugh about them.

3. Be genuinely curious.

The more you understand your partner’s culture, the easier it will be to look past misunderstandings. So whether your significant other invites you to attend an, ehm, unusual Christmas tradition (just Google Krampus) or discover a new artist, saying yes will familiarize you with your partner’s culture, and ease any potential frictions.

4. Be flexible and understanding.

Despite the fact that you both speak the same language, you may have different communication styles, which may take some getting used to. In some cultures, indirect communication is the norm – winding, elaborate speech that asks for some ‘reading between the lines’. In other places, communication is all about efficiency, and being honest is key. These different communication styles can also affect relationships, and a comment that comes off as ‘blunt’ to you may just be considered ‘honest’ by your partner. The key here is to remain open-minded and flexible!

5. Be patient.

Accept the few stumbling blocks that might come your way. Whether you have different conversation styles or just haven’t figured out yet how to argue in English, be patient with yourself – and your partner. It takes some time to adjust to speaking a third language and understand where your partner is coming from. (A bonus point one of our in-house relationship gurus mentioned: when you’re arguing in a language neither of you speak perfectly, you actually end up arguing less because it’s too exhausting and too difficult!).

6. Have fun.

At the end of the day, multilingual relationships are extremely enriching and fulfilling. Not only will you get to understand your own culture better, and get to know a new one through your partner, but you will also learn a new language or greatly strengthen an existing skill – it’s an absolute win-win, right?

http://www.ef.com/blog/language/how-to-make-a-multilingual-relationship-work/