How to Stop Ruminating and Obsessive Thinking.

Rumination: A deep or considered thought about something.

Doesn’t sound so bad, but when used to describe a mental health condition – it is one of the unhealthiest thought habits around. Rumination is when you think obsessively about a certain topic that gets you nowhere.

What Is Rumination?

Rumination is when you take negative thoughts or situations and repeat them over and over again in your mind. It is obsessive thinking on the worst level and it will lead to anxiety and depression or make those conditions worse. Here are my tips on how to stop ruminating and obsessive thinking.

Rumination: How to stop ruminating and obsessive thinking.

#1 – Thought control.

“We can’t control our thoughts” – a true statement that was never such a lie. When I’m talking to someone who suffers from depression or anxiety, they often tell me that they can’t help it – those thoughts just come to them. I agree that we can’t always control our thoughts and sometimes anxiety or depressive thoughts seem to come out of nowhere.

But I like to think of thoughts like a river.

Imagine you’re standing at the bottom of a river, the water, in this case, represents your thoughts. You can’t control the water that is coming down from the river because you’re standing at the bottom of it. These are the thoughts that you can’t control, the ones that just come to you.

But while you’re standing at the bottom, you can control the water that comes down to you. You can get a bucket to collect some water or you can build little barriers to control where the water goes.

The goal isn’t to stop negative or rumination thoughts from happening, it’s to learn how to control and cope with them once they arrive. This is the first step in the healing process and then eventually the ruminating thoughts will lessen.

#2 – Don’t Believe Your Brain.

Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.

Write that down. Put it somewhere that you’ll see every single day.

We live in a reality that is shaped mostly by our minds and sometimes what feels real to us just doesn’t ring true for the outside world. I personally know someone who suffers from social anxiety and fears connecting with people. She’s afraid that she’s not funny enough. That she’s awkward. That she doesn’t say the right things at the right time.

Without a word of a lie – I can tell you that she’s one of the funniest and wittiest people I know. Her comedic timing is excellent. She comes across as friendly and genuine within the first two minutes of talking to her. She’s amazing.

But not so in her head. She fears people, she doesn’t like connecting with others and it makes her depressed and anxious.

Is the reality in her head reflecting the reality in the real world? No – it’s the total opposite.

If I have a conversation with her, she walks away from it thinking that she didn’t say the right things and that she was awkward. She’ll ruminate about the jokes she made or things she could have done differently. I walk away from the conversation thinking that she’s hilarious and I can’t wait to chat with her again. See how our minds are shaping the same situation in totally different ways?

When you’re ruminating about negative aspects of your personality, don’t believe the thoughts. I know it sounds petty but this is the bare bones basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a scientifically proven way to cure depression.

Not believing your negative thoughts might sound simple, but sometimes simple is all we need. Want to get fit? Eat healthily and exercise. Want a healthy brain? Don’t believe your negative thoughts.

#3- Action Stops Fear.

This one works for ruminating thoughts that are tied to the future. Thoughts that are based on anxiety or worrying about a future event.

When we are feeling anxious, we are often fearing or dreading something that is coming up in the future. This could be a big event, a job interview or more abstract things like paying the bills, finding purpose in life etc.

I know it can be hard but if you can, try to pinpoint the fear that is behind your anxious thoughts. Let’s use an easy example like an upcoming job interview.

The more action you take, the less fear you will feel. Here is a list of things you could take action with to prepare for a job interview:

Look up common job interview questions and practice your answers in the mirror.

Research the company and get to know their mission statement.

Think of some work-related stories that show your strengths.

As soon as you start doing those things, your fear and anxiety will lessen. The rumination will also lessen because your brain is focused on thinking of solutions rather than dwelling on the problem.

#4 – Control Plan.

A great way for how to stop ruminating is to make a control plan. A control plan is a list of things that you either can or cannot control. This is a great way to get some perspective on the ruminating thoughts you might be experiencing.

Let’s say you have ruminating thoughts about your body. You don’t think you look good and you wish you were prettier.

Make a control plan.

CAN CONTROL:

Hairstyle. Makeup. Fashion Sense/Clothes.

Accessories (ie. shoes, jewlery, piercings). Diet and Exercise.

CANNOT CONTROL:

Facial structure. Acne. Height. Weight.

After you’ve done this, you will have a list of things in the can control category – focus on those! Those are things that will get you results. You can work on those and take action. Remember, action stops fear.

Notice how I put weight in the cannot control category? That is because you actually can’t control your weight. You can control your diet, the amount you exercise etc. but your weight is determined by the cells in your body and your genes. The control category must be made of things that you can directly control. This means you can see results as soon as you start taking action on them.

To use another example on the list, acne is not something you can control. It is caused by hormones and your skin cells. You can however control your diet, see a dermatologist, adjust your skin care routine etc.

Focusing on things you can change tomorrow is how you make an effective control plan and how to stop ruminating about things you can’t control.

#5- Bring Yourself To The Present.

This is helpful for ruminating thoughts that are about dwelling on the past. People who ruminate and think obsessively about things will often relive past situations in their heads. For example, “I said something stupid” or “I can’t believe I made that mistake in front of everyone”.

Let’s use a little bit of logic to help us with this.

If you were embarrassed by something you did at the office meeting, thinking about it again doesn’t change what happened. It only makes you feel embarrassed again…. And again and again.

Now (assuming the embarrassing thing wasn’t caught on video) the event that happened no longer exists, it only exists in your mind when you’re thinking about it, and in the mind of someone else if they are thinking about it.

Take yourself out of reliving the moment by using mindfulness. Bring yourself to the present.

Close your eyes and think about your environment. Listen to the traffic. Listen to the rain. Feel the chair that you’re sitting on on your legs. Focus on your breathing.

When you bring yourself to the present, you move forward from the past.

#6 – Exercise.

One of the simplest ways for how to stop ruminating is to exercise regularly. I don’t really enjoy going to the gym or “working out” so I find that doing physical activities are a lot more fun and keep my mind occupied. I do this by playing ice hockey and mountain biking. The extreme, fast-paced nature of these activities allows me to stop thinking about any troubles I might be having because I need to put a lot of focus on the task at hand.

This is just one thing that works for me but doing things like listening to music while you work out can also be helpful.

The key here is to get your body moving so that you can reap the benefits of the pleasure hormones that get released when you work out. Use those endorphins to your advantage!

#7 – Self Care.

As always, a solid self-care routine is not selfish or lazy and will work wonders for your mental health. Remember that self-care can include yoga, mindfulness, meditation, relaxing baths, and other “cliche” activities but self-care doesn’t stop there. Self-care is anything that makes you feel relaxed and take your mind off things. This can be doing a sport, going out with friends, hosting a party, doing a puzzle, the sky is the limit!

#8 – Learn More About Rumination.

The topic of rumination and how to help solve it is complicated and in depth, but it’s something that you should learn about if you suffer from this problem. I am excited to announce that my new book Rumination: Overcome Destructive Thoughts and Start Thinking Positively is now available on Amazon! I spent an (abnormal) amount of time studying rumination, why it happens and how you can treat it and decided to put it all in a book so that others can learn how to cope.

Rumination: How to Stop Ruminating and Obsessive Thinking - Millennialships Dating 

First date red flags to STOP sweeping under the rug.

This may get me in trouble, I don’t care, but I’m not into “following my heart”. The heart is deceptive, so I follow God. Because through God comes Peace, while my heart desired chaos (in the name of Love and “passion”) which often led me along the path of blind ignorance. So when it comes to first date red flags, there’s no no shame in waving that white flag and peacing out. Yet there are definitely those out there doing exactly what I did (trucking along the path of ignorance) and downplaying low-key Ted Bundy vibes.

People [usually] are intentionally on their best behavior on a first date – some are so good at faking it, in fact. BUT, if you look close enough, you really see people for who they are between the lines. And, frankly, when we’re really dead set on finding something – like Love at first sight – I don’t think this comes as natural or noticeable. This is why we’re more likely to accept or tolerate unfair treatment or behaviors we shouldn’t. And when you do this, you’re essentially violating your own personal boundaries.

If this sounds like your struggle, then I encourage you to read on because there are some pretty crucial first date red flags to become more aware of (and are rather easy to).

His phone is the third-wheel.

I get it (but not really) – the Gram is the mothership of worldly connection and self-image these days; it is the epicenter of our social standing and community. Our phones have literally become our social umbilical cord, and we’ve got to admit that it is something we idolize beyond recognition, which is destructive.

There’s a time and place for everything. You really can do without that first date selfie or picture of your food. Your posse can even wait to hear how your date is going until after. And the same standard applies for him.

We need to stop making excuses for why our phones must sit, front and center, on the table or within eye’s reach whether or not it’s in use. Therefore, IMO, you can really tell a lot about a person by the “relationship” they have with their device. 21st century, technological advancement BS aside; if someone can’t detach and disconnect from their phone for a few hours to connect face-to-face, that’s only a precursor to other real problems.

And on a first date, this is a “respect” issue. Sure, while there are certainly emergency “exceptions” and fairly minor occurrences that don’t automatically need the boot, there just needs to be more attention paid to the way an individual – whom you hardly know and are with to discover more about – treats a mechanism that is designed and meant to be a tool in life, not their identity or lifeline.

A piss-poor attitude, how he treats you, himself + others.

I know we can all agree that as human beings we all have bad, off days, we don’t always have it together, and are not pathologically chipper 24/7. Still, a bad attitude on the first date is absolutely jarring – like, really, where’s the decency?

I knowwwwww, and we’re also “encouraged” to be our authentic, unapologetic selves. But where is that fine line between authenticity and self-responsibility? If he can’t communicate his feelings or regulate his emotions (frustration, anger, annoyance, etc.), and instead acts on them or projects them – that’s the only fortune telling of the future you need right there, my friend.

So if the waiter forgot to bring napkins, failed to refill his drink in a timely manner or his steak wasn’t cooked to the medium-rare as requested, and he pitches an unnecessary fit (you define “fit”), then you may want to take that kind of reaction into consideration regarding other (relational) circumstances. Moreover, a bad attitude on a first date should hit different. At that point, is he even aware of himself? Does he really think he’s making a good impression (er, rather, does he care to)? And lastly, what compels him to believe he’s providing a sense of safety and security by bringing me into his field of negativity?

I’m just saaaying, this is why first impressions are first impressions.

Premature neediness, affection + adoration.

When you’re hitting it off, like real deep, it may be cute to jokingly talk about growing old together or the gorgeous babies you’d make. Sometimes these conversations, as some like to put it, “are not that deep” – though, I could beg to differ. Tread lightly, because what may be transpiring is an unhealthy bond between you. You have yet to scrape the surface of this person and vice versa. Avoid jumping into, let alone grazing the deep end, even if you’re somehow convinced “he’s it” or feel compelled to melt into his instant obsession over you.

Love-bombing is designed to be both enthralling and deceiving – it can seem and feel real and normal but it’s deceptive and unhealthy by nature. Someone who comes on too strong too soon can be a pretty good indicator of their relationship patterns (and in life); this can mean they tend to rush into relationships too quickly, base relationships on feelings and instant chemistry, and on unrealistic expectations. This can also mean they struggle connecting and committing on a much deeper level, where infatuation is often substituted. Love-bombing can also simply be a manipulation tactic – *ahem*, yes, as in order to get into your pants.

So we need to be more aware of attention and affection that comes on too strong too soon because – you’ve heard this before, I’m sure [I hope] – a real, genuine connection is a slow burn, not a forest fire.

Abusive behavior – *the low-key signs.

Let’s unpack infatuation and Love-Bombing a bit more. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your date showing signs that they like you – let’s get that out of the way. But if they’re putting out all the stops, and I mean everything they got, or they’re willingly and frantically putting all of their eggs into one basket, this is your cue to put on the breaks. Why? For starters, it’s not as genuine as you think. That level of attention is coming from all the wrong places, so not for the right reasons.

Likewise, any form of abusive behavior is unacceptable behavior. Whether it’s verbal, physical, psychological or emotional. And things like manipulation, possessiveness, jealousy and controlling behaviors are many abusive tendencies on the blurred lined spectrum. Thanks to books and movies like 50 Shades of Grey and Twilight (yep, I went there), there are many of these “blurred-line” behaviors that have been *romanticized* and even glamorized today – like possessiveness disguised as “protection”.

So what should you watch out for, specifically?

He finds every way to blame others for his mistakes, excuses, failures, disappointments, etc; It’s always the waiter, the Uber driver, the weather, the government, his sh*tty boss, his cellphone, his crappy car – he lacks personal responsibility and accountability.

He’s hypersensitive/*aggressive; he easily picks fights or is easily “set. off”/triggered by little mishaps, insults, offenses, or other people’s behaviors. This may come off as over-reactivity or withdrawal (shutting down or stonewalling).

He is vocally hostile; he curses at you and others, makes explicit threats (even if “jokingly”), talks down and/or over you and is vocally aggressive (i.e., yell-talks, raises voice in discomfort/frustration, violent tone).

He Love-bombs you minus actually taking the time to get to know you; referring to premature attachment/infatuation, he might confess his “Love”/adoration for you (call you his “soulmate”), tell you how “perfect” you are, becomes overly touchy, affectionate, and eager to “take the next step” with you.

He’s meticulously controlling and possessive; i.e., he got angry/frustrated when you took too long in the bathroom, he refused to let you order or speak to the waiter, he is interrogative with your whereabouts, and he doesn’t take “no” well for an answer.

He talks down to you (condescending and patronizing); he criticizes you for still being in school and living with your parents, he questions your “intelligence” and makes comments about your decision-making and aspirations in life, or he treats you as if you are an incompetent, incapable “child” (for instance, tells you how to “properly” hold your fork to eat).

He puts words in your mouth (manipulative); i.e., “We’re having a good time, right?” [When you’re clearly not], or “You know that’s not what I meant (I didn’t mean to “hurt”, “offend”, “insult” you, etc.). [In order to avoid an apology]”

He has severely unrealistic expectations of you; this is the guy who will blatantly tell you what clothes or hairstyle would “look good” on you, he will make subtle remarks about your body type or weight (he’s looking to make changes to your appearance), and he will address certain topics with the intent to challenge and sway your mind (your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, etc.). He will amplify your minute “faults” and “flaws” and devalue you while exaggerating your “assets” or “strengths” at the same time.

Anyone who makes you feel uneasy or fearful (this can often be disguised as “butterflies”, or anxiety) – whether that be of leaving or rejecting a relationship, of your autonomy and your life – is someone you need to nip in the bud from the start.

He’s either too private (secretive) or too open.

Here’s the thing: boundaries are healthy. Yet boundaries that are too rigid or too loose can be a red flag as well. So if its like pulling teeth (I mean painfully difficult) to get your date to talk, elaborate, open up, initiate or reciprocate the conversation, this should be a clue that he likely has more to hide than what little you’re allowed to know.

Yes, this could very well be #introvertproblems or #hellosocialanxiety. It could also be that you encountered someone with sub-par or ZERO interpersonal, social, and relationship skills whatsoever. We do need to be a bit more mindful of this, as well as both sides of the extremes here.

Evasiveness can also mean he already has his mind made up – this isn’t uncommon for individuals [on a first date] to do immediately following their first impression of the other person. Or, he just has no moral standard [good intentions] when it comes to pursuing a relationship, or anything, period. So if he goes in knowing he won’t commit, that’s going to be reflected in his behavior one way or another eventually.

For example, unless he works for the government (and is legally not able to disclose his work), if he refuses to tell you what he does for a living (or whether he has a job at all)… We can safely assume he’s not trying to play off *mysterious vibes*.

The same works for the other way around. Someone too eager to dish every minute detail of their life is someone who often treads this path with others. Every rose has its thorn, we know this. But someone who is an overly ripe, open book translates to a fragile binding that greatly risks falling apart. Therefore, sometimes we have to be careful of those who say they “wear their heart on their sleeve” (or if this is you), as this may be an indicator of a long line of “self-sacrifice” (in relationships), violating boundaries or lacking personal boundaries.

First date red flags to STOP sweeping under the rug (themrsinglink.com)